How to be Confident
When people speak of confidence, they describe it as if it’s something you don’t already have. They say “You need more confidence” or offer advice on how you can “develop confidence.” Language matters, and this habit, speaking of confidence as a thing you must find or grow from a current state of its absence or lacking, contributes to the idea that for some it may be out of reach. When you view confidence as something you need to obtain or work on, you see it as a difficult task requiring you to practice building something that you believe doesn’t come naturally. To see confidence in the same light as building muscle or learning a new language hides the fact that “lacking” confidence isn’t due to its absence, it is due to having a mindset that is blocking the natural confidence you are born with. So instead of me telling you this piece will help you develop confidence, I will help you realize that the confidence is already in you, and the secret is eliminating the judgments and fear that hold it back.
When you go into some situation in which confidence would help, be it a social situation, business meeting or a romantic encounter, what is it that holds you back? You are nervous, doubting your actions, and over-analyzing the situation, and yet you blame your lack of a certain trait as the problem instead of these harmful thoughts themselves. A lack of confidence is actually just a surplus of self-doubt, caused by your preoccupation of your past failures and imagined negative outcomes in the future. When you go into these situations thinking about how you have messed up these interactions before, or entertaining an infinite number of possible ways in which you could screw up, you destroy any ability you have to act naturally and present an image of ease and control. You also increase your chances of messing up that interaction with these preoccupations. Because so much of your mental power is dedicated to past and future failings, you don’t have enough space or energy left to focus on what others are saying, remembering important details about others or the topic at hand, or for crafting intelligent or witty responses.
If instead, your focus was on the present moment, all your mental energy could be put to work on performing and presenting the best of you that you can offer
You may look at those with confidence and think it comes easy to them, telling yourself that you wish you had what they had, and then you mentally punish yourself for not having something that seems so simple for others to achieve. This increases your anxiety, turning your focus inward, making you question your responses and thus portraying a verbal and nonverbal image of one without confidence. This constant self-analysis, along with comparing yourself to a superficial image of others, contribute to blocking the confidence you have within you. All along the secret was to eliminate the negative thoughts that invade the present moment, so no wonder “confident” people make it look so easy, they are doing so much less mental work than you!
.When you go into these situations, don’t tell yourself “just be confident, you got this” because all that does is magnify that you have some kind of problem or that your lacking something that you need to fake in order to get through that interaction. Instead, start practicing how to be mindful at all times, that is, fully in the present moment, without judgement or preoccupying thoughts of the past and imaginary future. Listen intently to others without worrying about your upcoming response and speak without constantly questioning your words. When doubts or fears enter your mind, observe them and let them pass, the way you would view a child’s antics. Don’t give them any energy or focus, stay with the present moment. Don’t think you are in control, know you are in control, accept that you are not perfect and that you are operating at the best of your possible ability.
You don’t need to be the most intelligent, skilled, or witty person in order to display confidence.
You only have to show that you are not letting your mind be controlled by fear or self-judgement.
I am not teaching you how to develop confidence, I am telling you to open your eyes to the fact that there is a voice in your mind, an ego developed over years of worrying about your self-image, that pulls you away from the state of natural confidence you are born with. You need to take back control of your mind, stop letting its judgments and fears hold you back from being the master of every situation and moment of your reality.
You have this power inside you; be here now, let it be, and watch it prove just how confident you already are.
Check out “The Wisdom of Insecurity: A Message for an Age of Anxiety”
We live in an age of unprecedented anxiety. Spending all our time trying to anticipate and plan for the future and to lamenting the past, we forget to embrace the here and now. We are so concerned with tomorrow that we forget to enjoy today. Drawing from Eastern philosophy and religion, Alan Watts shows that it is only by acknowledging what we do not—and cannot—know that we can learn anything truly worth knowing. In The Wisdom of Insecurity, he shows us how, in order to lead a fulfilling life, we must embrace the present—and live fully in the now. Featuring an Introduction by Deepak Chopra.
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