How to Stop Suffering
Sometimes life can feel like ice skating uphill. You push, struggle, and scratch your way up only to be kicked back down by unforeseen events. These struggles can make you feel like you aren’t good enough, like you deserve to suffer and that maybe you just belong at the bottom of the hill. I have found myself kicked down to that point several times in my years, but along the way I have learned something that has kept me going through every fall and has motivated me to keep climbing. What I have learned is that you can’t base your happiness on an imagined image in the future. When you do that, you will always find yourself chasing, desiring, hoping and waiting to be happy. The hill will always seem larger, your legs always more tired, and the falls will just continue to hurt worse. No matter what your goals, no matter what you are pushing for, you need to know that every fleeting moment is what makes up your life, and it is always your choice whether you will spend your lifetime of moments in a state of suffering or happiness.
Most people, my past self included, go through life like this because of a fundamental misunderstanding of what suffering actually is. We see suffering as something out of our control, as a force that assaults us that we will be able to shake free if only we reach the top of that hill. One only needs to see the high drug abuse and suicide rates that affect those at the top of the socioeconomic ladder to see how false that is. If we choose to see suffering as something outside of our control, it won’t matter if we become a billionaire, we will still see happiness as an unreachable goal that we must continue to struggle towards.
The truth is, mental suffering is something we put onto ourselves. We take life’s misfortunes and we compound the grief we feel by subjecting ourselves to constant mental torment about how terrible our lives are, how shitty we feel, how untalented, unlucky or unattractive we are. We put ourselves down, and we repeat our past mistakes over and over in our heads. We then repeat that one mantra of suffering every time we fall; you’re not good enough.
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. We all go through hardship, some more than others, but that does not determine our level of happiness. Once we realize that most of suffering comes from our own mind we can see a way out of that constant torment. If our mind is not constantly set on an unattainable goal at the top of the mountain, we would be able to look around and see just how beautiful the valley can be. If we learned to enjoy the climb the way a hiker or mountain climber does, maybe we could see that all of life can be a game, difficult at times, easy at others, but a game that we always have the ability to derive enjoyment and happiness from. Instead of hating ourselves for not hitting some imagined peak and spending our lives unhappy and struggling, we need to love ourselves, love the struggle, love the ups and downs, keep pushing to do our best but know that at any point in this journey we can choose to be happy.
Ditch the Murikami quote and get more succinct. Read Viktor Frankl. He survived a holocaust concentration camp and knew a thing or two about suffering. He searched for meaning in the midst of suffering and actually had something to say.
I love to read and I will definitely take your recommendation. From just a quick glance at his famous quotes, I found one on suffering that I think refers to what you mean by his belief: “If there is a meaning in life at all, there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death, human life cannot be complete.” I believe his definition of suffering here aligns with what I (and Murikami) are referring to as pain. That is, the physical/mental/emotional hardships of life. When I refer to suffering, I am speaking of the added pain we inflict upon ourselves by dwelling on our instances of pain, such as through grief, guilt, and sorrow. I believe that we will all experience pain as well as suffering, but that we can train our minds to lessen how much we suffer by learning to let go of painful experiences and to choose happiness. I think Frankl has this same belief (I would think he would have to to go through what he did and to move forward to be such a successful scientist and writer) and I think he shows that when he stated “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to chose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
Thank you for your response and for turning me on to Frankl’s work!
“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” These words are so healing, thank you for this writing.
I’m glad you liked it, you are welcome!