Addiction

At some point in our lives we have all faced addiction. Whether it comes from drugs, alcohol, food, sex, exercise, or cigarettes, we have all experienced something in our lives that defies our natural habits and keeps us coming back. Addiction comes in many forms, from many sources, but it all derives from the same reward system structure in our brains, and just like any other learned behavior, it can be defeated.

     Addiction boils down to two basic concepts in brain functioning, our brains reward system and its propensity to become tolerant of stimuli. When we do something that we consider “pleasurable”, that activity is triggering the brains reward system. When your brain senses that you have eaten a good meal, that you have had sex, or that you have done something to improve your social status it releases dopamine, a chemical neurotransmitter that results in “feeling good”. We can’t truly explain what it means to “feel good” but we know what it is, and we obviously love how it feels. That feeling is just your body’s sensory reaction to the release of dopamine and other neurotransmitters. In essence, it is your brain saying “good job, here is your feel good drug!” and like a dog doing tricks for a bone we learn what behaviors will make our brains release the goods.

What we have discovered over the years is that we don’t always have to take the time to get the approval of others, eat a great meal, or court someone into a sexual relationship. We can trick our brains into releasing the “feel good drug” by ingesting certain chemicals that unlock our brains natural mechanisms of release. When we ingest these drugs, we take a short cut to the reward system, and with certain drugs we can release untold amounts of these chemicals, flooding our brain and senses with those good feelings.

All of this would be fine if it were not for our brains ability to pull on the reins of pleasure seeking through what is known as tolerance. When our neurons are hit repeatedly by the same chemicals over and over, they wear out the sensors. We adapt to our surroundings and realize that if this amount of pleasure is the normal, there won’t be any motivation to do the things our brains have trained us to do for a reward. We suddenly need more of that activity or that drug to feel as good as we once did, causing us to take more of those drugs or to seek out more of that pleasurable activity. The brain then becomes used to the constant triggering of high levels of dopamine release and raises the stakes on what causes its own release. All of a sudden, if we stop taking that drug, or we stop seeking out that pleasurable activity, our neural synapses become barren and our minds can’t handle the sudden loss of its constant chemical cocktails. It sends out a clear message, we want more. We NEED more.

Addiction is a combination of our brains tolerance, it’s natural desire to maintain a certain environment and the fact that when we try to stop feeding our addictions we lose the ability to feel good from other other methods. After ingesting chemicals that soak our brains in a bath of dopamine and serotonin, we suddenly don’t find the pleasure in feeling the sun on our face. We don’t get that satisfied feeling after a good meal. The entire basis of us “feeling good” comes from our brains chemical reward system, and when we have burned this out by cranking it to eleven, the simple pleasures in life don’t cut it anymore. We go out and seek those pleasurable activities, usually beyond reasonable measures, and we engage in risky behaviors to reach those feelings. We over eat, we seek out meaningless sex with multiple partners, or we become obsessed with money and material possession. In the most serious of cases, we abandon our lives all together, living day to day seeking that activity or drug of choice. We even see people turn to theft, violence, or prostitution to fulfill that never ending hole of addiction.

The degrees of addiction are vast, some people never let their addictions interfere with their lives, while others define their lives off of those addictions. There are many genetic and environmental reasons behind these differences among us. For now I am speaking to those who have a daily addiction, something they know harms them but they can’t seem to stop. It can come in many forms but the one I experienced is one that countless others have been through, an addiction to cigarettes.

I grew up with a father who smoked, and seeing him try and fail to quit time and time again made me sure I would never start smoking. When my friends started trying it in middle school I didn’t care when I was teased, I had no intention of becoming a slave to them. Here and there through high school I would take a single drag, or inhale, off of one of my friend’s cigarettes while drinking, just for that momentary buzz that they give you when you first start. I always had enough motivation in my brain from those childhood years watching my father’s struggles to keep me from having a whole cigarette.

     In college I met a friend who smoked regularly, and the combination of regular drinking along with the stress from classes and multiple jobs made me continue to take those drags on a regular basis. Without even noticing it, I was taking drags every time I was hanging out with her, and soon she was just giving me my own to smoke. I didn’t even notice my change in behavior, I was just looking for more of that feel good response to take me away from the stress of that time in my life. Around the same time, me and my high school girlfriend broke up. With the difficulties of my classes, my three jobs, the feeling that I didn’t fit in with the students at that university, sleep deprivation and a long list of other stressors, the need for something to make me feel good increased, and the addiction slowly began.

One day, after bumming multiple cigarettes from my friend, she said frankly “dude, you have to go buy your own.” Suddenly I realized how often I was smoking, but it was too late. I walked halfway to and halfway back from the gas station about six times before giving up and buying my first pack. I knew what had happened and I felt powerless to stop.

For about four years I smoked without any desire to quit. I enjoyed the good feeling I got when I did it, and with me dropping out of college, moving back into my mom’s basement, the recession and lack of jobs, and my insane level of debt from a year and a half of trying to put my self through college all weighing down on me, the moments of pleasure and relaxation when I would smoke were not something I wanted to give up.

When I was struggling to turn my life around and pursue my childhood dream of becoming a firefighter, I took an EMT class at my local community college. During this course, you are signed up for clinical rotations in an emergency room. I told the technician who I would be shadowing that I would need at least one or two cigarette breaks during the four hour clinical and he said that it wouldn’t be a problem. One of our patients was a man dying of COPD, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, from a lifetime of smoking. This is a condition caused by destroying your lungs, and there is no cure, just a long, painful death. I watched him propped up on the hospital bed, gripping the handrails, his skin retracting between his ribs every time he inhaled, his face covered by an oxygen mask and his eyes staring out, unfocused. Every ounce of him was struggling to breath, his coughs sounded like broken engine parts grinding against each other, tearing him apart from the inside. The technician saw me staring at this mans struggles and walked up next to me and said, “you want to take your cigarette break now?”

Since that day I set my sights on quitting, but I truly had no idea how difficult that would be. While it may not have the same physical withdrawal symptoms as heroin or alcohol, nicotine is known to be one of the most addictive substances known to man.

While they can be a helpful tool while starting out, I don’t believe that nicotine supplements or vaporizers are the best method for quitting, because they keep the addiction going. The only way to truly beat addiction is to eliminate the source, and to slowly let your brain revert to its normal condition. I started by slowing down the amount I would smoke, holding off from having that first cigarette of the day for as long as possible, and setting limits on how many I could have a day, and then once I was down to five a day, I quit cold turkey. The first couple of days are horrible. You feel the cravings throughout your body, clenching your muscles and literally pulling you to act. Everything makes you tense, everything makes you angry, everything sucks, life is pointless, the world is ending, and life would be amazing if you just had one cigarette, just one. Those are the thoughts I continued to have, every minute, of every day, for the first couple of weeks. You feel depressed, angry and spiteful at all times. I had built a brain that was dependent on this chemical, and it hated me for suddenly depriving it of this.

The worst part of overcoming addiction is beating the voice in your head. This voice seems like it is your own conscious, it seems reasonable, intelligent and fair. It tells you it is okay to just have one cigarette a day. It tells you that the only reason you are quitting is because other people are telling you to, and that you should make your own decisions and just be happy. It tells you that this time won’t be like last time, this time you will be in control. This voice is very hard to argue with, and many times this voice would win. The voice is especially strong when you lower your ability to fight it, such as when you drink. After relapsing several times, I finally realized that to stop I would also need to quit drinking as well.

On my fifth serious attempt at quitting, over a year or so of attempts (some even lasting several months!) I finally succeeded. Through a combination of quitting drinking, starting up long distance running, having an amazing girlfriend who supported my quitting, avoiding people who smoked and fighting day in and day out with that voice, I finally broke free of that addiction. Every week it got a little easier, every month I became stronger, I slowly rebuilt my brain wiring to not need that chemical, and slowly I began to enjoy other things more until I didn’t need cigarettes. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, but believing in myself, and trusting that with time and patience I could unlearn the need I had developed, I overcame my mental enslavement.

Everyone’s brain wiring is different. Everybody’s environment is different. Everybody’s stories, stresses, traumas, and struggles are different. Thinking that everyone can get over their addictions in the same way I accomplished it would be extremely naive. Time and again, though, we hear stories of how people overcome addiction, and we need to remember that. No matter how hopeless it may seem, no matter how much that voice controls you, no matter how shitty life feels when you deprive yourself of the activity or chemical that controls you; it is possible to win. It is possible to beat addiction. You can do it, your loved ones can do it, it is possible. Seek help from anyone who is willing, look up support groups, go to rehabilitation if possible.

Don’t give up on yourself, don’t give up on your friends or family. It may take several tries and several agonizing relapses, but it can be done. Addiction rewires your brain, it changes you, it can become you, and nothing is more difficult than battling yourself. Just know that there was a time before that addiction. There was a time when you were in control. There was a time when you could be happy without your addiction.